Broken beyond repair
by howthehellcanthatbetaken
Summary: Katniss and Peeta go to the same college, both dealing with some serious problems and seemingly broken beyond repair. Will they be able to get better together? Modern Day AU
1. Chapter 1 - It's almost morning anyway

Chapter one – It's almost morning anyway

She was sitting at the bar as usual, staring at the television, not even knowing what was playing. Probably just some football game, she didn't even want to watch. But she did, it was much easier than being alone with her thoughts.

"Sweetheart, I've been watching you destroying yourself for over a year now. I think that beer is not going to help you. No matter how much you drink." Said Haymitch as he sat on the bar stool next to her. He was the owner of the bar. By now she didn't even care to answer him. Half a year ago, she would tell him to mind his fucking business, but right now She was beginning to think he might be right. But there was no way she would admit that.

"You never talk much, do ya?" He muttered more to himself than to her. This was their routine, she never spoke, just drank her beer, after drinking what she thought was enough for that night, she just stood up and left. No one bothered to speak to her. Only him. Even though she wouldn't admit it he was the only one keeping her sane. He and her roommate Johanna.

"Some drunken fools made a scene today. Quite big. They had to tear them apart." He picked up his beer and gulped it down.

"Okay girl, you look after yourself. You don't have to pretend you're so strong all the time. There are people who want to help you. See ya sweetheart." With that he stood up and left.

Her gaze followed him on his way through the bar. It was very old and sort of grumpy, but it was cheap and suited her just well. She looked at the people around her. Most of them were desperados just like her. Sometimes some lonely soul would wander in, but they usually left as quickly as they came in. Her eyes fixed on a guy in the far corner of the bar. She hadn't seen him before, which was strange, but he seemed, broken enough to fit just right to their little community. As she checked him up she realized he was very handsome. Not just plain handsome, but perfect. His big deep blue eyes. Sandy hair. Muscled, strong frame. The type of guy with ego high enough to reach the sky. And, to be a big dickhead. She constantly decided she didn't like him.

"She didn't even recognize me today." He almost chocked on the words. "Watsyourname?" He said to the waitress, already drunk. "I'm Delly, Peeta. You've known me since forever, right? And I think you've already had enough." She said as she took the glass of beer from him. She was a pretty, blond girl. But nothing was special about her. She was just uninteresting. Katniss hadn't even really noticed her before. As long as there was beer in front of her, she didn't care about shit around her.

"Nononono Dellie, I'll drink as much as I want. Gimme back my beer." Delly reluctantly gave his beer back. "She didn't recognize me, ya know. She thought I came to repair the television in her room that was broken." He seemed to be almost crying now. "I know Peet. I'm so sorry. But there is not much we can do about it. I'm sorry." Delly whispered.

"But you know what's worst Dellie? She fucking managed to scold me even if she didn't know who I was. I came in, said hello, tried to be nice and polite, nothing to infuriate her. I told her what was new in the bakery, just a little nice chat, ya know?" He silenced for a moment.

"She interrupted me right away, told me to do my fucking job and leave her alone. And I tried to tell her that I was a friend, because the doctor told me earlier, that if she didn't recognize me, I shouldn't tell her I was her son, because it could scare her. So I fucking tried to speak to her. And she started to scream at me and then called the nurse and told her I was trying to kidnap her." Hurt was written all over his face. He started to bubble some incoherent words, but I couldn't understand him anymore.

I slowly got up and left, Delly tried to say something, she was obviously new there, but Katniss ignored her. Haymitch would tell her tomorrow. She always paid at the end of the month.

She began her short walk to the apartment she shared with Jo. She got to the front door and as usual they were stuck. She had to use a great force to finally open and she nearly fell when it did. She was way more drunk than she realized. The door to the apartment opened before she had a chance to even unlock it. "Hey, Gale is here, said he needed to talk to you. Thought you might want to prepare yourself. "Jo almost whispered, as she stared at Katniss, who had shock written all over her face.

"I'm sorry Kat, I know you probably don't want to see him, but I couldn't get rid of him. He insisted he would wait for you." Katniss only managed to stare blankly. "Kat, Kat!" Jo was ready to slap her to get her attention. Bitch, she'd like that. Katniss thought and focused her eyes on Jo. "Good girl, now come in to get this over with. I'm fed up with his bullshit. He was probably trying to annoy the fuck out of me." There was the girl Katniss knew and loved very much. Even though none of them would admit it, they became very close throughout the last year. The bad things they had to face bringing them even closer together.

"Okay." Katniss said and looked at Jo. "Okay." Jo said in a mocking voice. "That's so like you Kat. Leaving it up to me to take care of you like a little baby." She tried to sound harsh, angry even, but there was softness in her voice, she couldn't quite hide. She hated seeing her best friend like that. But she knew the best thing she could do right now, was stick by her side and if things got out of control, just somehow get Gale out and get Katniss to bed with some sleeping pills. The poor girl couldn't manage to fall asleep without them. Even with them she would trash all night and wake up covered in sweat, god knows what, happening in her dreams.

They walked into the living room. Jo first. Katniss had a hard time walking straight, but eventually got to sit on the sofa with Jo next to her, her yes piercing Gale like daggers, daring him to hurt her little baby best friend. There was uncomfortable silence for few minutes before Gale spoke up.

"Oh Catnip, you look like shit." He called her by her old nickname back from the time they were small kids living next to each other, calling each other silly names. That got her attention. He hasn't called her that since she grew boobs. She felt Jo tense. But she didn't say anything. For now.

"Speak for yourself Gale; you don't exactly look like princess either." She stumbled a bit on the words. Her tongue becoming weirdly heavy.

"You're drunk Katniss?! So, that's how you handle things?! I thought better of you!" He was shouting by the end of the last sentence. But Katniss didn't say anything. She was starting to be sleepy.

"Katniss!" Gale snapped. "I think we need to fucking talk to each other like normal decent human beings! What have I done to you Katniss?! I only kissed you? Is that why you won't talk to me now?" He waited for her response for a while, but then continued. "I just felt like I had to do something. I know losing Prim hurt you like hell, but you wouldn't talk to me. I hated to see so much hurt in your eyes. It felt like you were crumbling in front of me and I didn't know what happened and I panicked. I didn't what I was doing, okay? I'm sorry Katniss. But what happened? What happened the night Prim died?! There has to be more to it!" He ran his hand through his hair, like he always did when he was nervous or desperate or both.

"I don't want to talk about it, Gale." Katniss mumbled, barely audible.

"But what the fuck happened Katniss?! I know you wouldn't be like this if it wasn't something serious. Oh, and the kiss. I know I fucked up, okay? That clearly wasn't the right time, but I already said I was sorry. What else can I do?" He got up as he talked getting dangerously close to Katniss. The image of Prim laying senselessly on the ground, blood all over her, shot through her mind. She shuddered at the memory. She was drunk and overwhelmed all the bad memories crushing her to the bad bad place in her mind again and she couldn't hold together anymore. Hot tears started running down her face.

Jo shot up and was pushing Gale out of the door, muttering something about him being even bigger dick than she originally thought. The door was shut and locked and within few seconds she was kneeling before Kat.

"Kat, baby, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't' have let him in in the first place. I should have known this wasn't going to end well. I just thought you two needed to talk. He was so important to you before. Come Kat, lean into me. We are going to put you into bed, okay." She waited before Katniss nodded. She slowly pulled her up and walked with her to her room, lowered her in the bed and tucked her in. "I'm gonna bring you your pills now, kay?" And she disappeared through the door. Katniss stared at the shadows that were on the ceiling. They looked like monsters. She felt like a little girl again. Waiting for her parents to give her goodnight and a kiss on her forehead. She feared darkness then. Of the shadow monsters, the monster under her bed waiting for one of her limbs to extend over the edge of the bad, so it could take her with him to the infinite darkness. But for all she knew she couldn't care less now. Whatever was waiting for her, couldn't be worse than what she was living in right now.

Jo appeared in the doorway. "Sorry I'm so late babe. Had some phone call to handle." She said as she passed her the pills and glass of water. She only looked at them for a while. One, two, three pills to put her to sleep. It used to be only one, then two. She couldn't stop from wondering how many she would have to swallow to not wake up in the morning. She quickly shook the thought. Prim wouldn't want that. Prim. Oh Prim. I'm so so sorry. She thought.

"Baby you have to swallow them okay. All of them. Can you do that for me?" Katniss nodded her head still picturing Prim in her mind. What would she be doing right now? This would have been her first year of college. She would be going to Penn State, like Katniss. She was so clever. She wanted to become a nurse, she would be so good at it. They weren't rich and neither of them would be able to go to college if they hadn't gotten scholarships. Everyone would love her here. Everyone always loved her. She was just so lovely. So unlike Katniss.

"Kat?" She realized she still hadn't swallowed the pills. She quickly did so. Jo nodded obviously pleased with herself. It used to take her much more effort to get her to swallow her pills. She kneeled beside the bad and starting caressing her had. The kind of affection she only allowed herself when she knew Katniss wouldn't remember a thing in the morning. She watched her as she slowly closed her eyes. She was gone within few minutes. The pills she took were very strong. But they were not going to be enough soon. I can't higher your dose again Miss Everdeen. So be careful. The doctor warned. Back then Katniss couldn't care less when she told Jo. But Jo started to worry. The nights would be hell again soon. Neither of them would sleep at all. Katniss because of the nightmares and Jo because of Katniss frequent screaming.

Jo knew this night was going to be rough. After a day like that Katniss would have terrible nightmares. The sleeping pills only making it worse. Because she wouldn't be able to wake up. Jo often had to shake her awake. It was a no-win situation. She wouldn't sleep at all without them her thoughts keeping her wide awake her body wildly shaking with sobs.

Jo set at the couch, deciding it was not worth it going to sleep. She switched between few channels, before her eyes got too heavy to keep them open and drifted off to sleep.

Her nightmares started as usual, the first one being her father dying. Katniss and Prim ran to their porch to wait for him, their mom joining them soon, when they saw him arriving through the window in the kitchen. They always did it and he was never late. He would park. Run to them give them both a kiss. Prim first cause she's younger. But I love you three just the same, ya know, my girls. He would say. Kiss Prim, then Katniss and last their mom. Then they would come in and have dinner, go to the woods or simply watch a movie if they were too tired. But not that day.

He parked the car Katniss drove now, which was very old even back then. Then he was crossing the street and then the car came and crushed into him. Katniss screamed and ran to him. Prim only steps behind with their mother. And the car was speeding away. Didn't even stop. His eyes were still open when she got to him. He looked at her, his eyes unfocused. He tried to say something but Katniss couldn't understand him. She tried to. But she couldn't. And then he was gone.

Someone was shaking with her. And shouting her name. She opened her eyes. She tried to say something but she couldn't, her voice raspy from screaming. Then she spotted Jo. Focus Katniss. She is saying something. Focus. She said to herself. "Baby? Oh, god Katniss. I couldn't wake you up." She hugged her close. She was shaking violently. "I can't give you any more sleeping pills now. It's too soon. But I can bring the others." She suggested carefully. The "others" were antidepressants doctor prescribed for Katniss. But she hated them. They only brought fog to her mind and didn't solve a thing. She shook her head, still not able to speak.

"I thought so. Will you be okay? Or should I stay?" Katniss shook her head again even though she knew she would stay anyway. They fell into comfortable silence until they were both sleeping again, Jo uncomfortably twisted half on the bed and half on the ground, but she couldn't care less.

Katniss was walking alongside Prim. They were just heading back to Katniss' apartment after they had few drinks in one of the nicer bars on campus. Prim came there for her personal interview and decided to stay for the weekend. It was dark, but neither of them was scared. Both thinking they were completely safe. They were chatting, fine maybe it was Prim doing all the speaking, but that's like it's always been. If they were paying closer attention they could have heard them earlier. Katniss blamed herself for it, but it probably wouldn't have changed a thing. Then it was all blurred, both screaming. And she was woken by Jo once again.

"Shh, shh, it's okay now. It's fine. I'm here." Katniss had no more tears to shed, so she just sat and waited until she no longer felt like puking.

"I don't want to go back to sleep." Her voice was shaking. "Okay, it's almost morning anyway."

 **AN/ Thank you so much for reading. I wrote this more than a year ago, and just did some editing. I'm sorry to anyone who read this the first time and had to wait for more than a year, but I'm here now and ready to get back to writing. I just now noticed how awful my English is, so sorry for that, too. Just one gem I found, I introduced Peeta as a very nice gay because somehow it got messed up in my head with guy. Thanks guys!**


	2. Chapter 2 -I'll think about it

**AN:/ Thank you all so much. Everyone who followed, favorited and viewed, because you made my day.**

Chapter 2 – I'll think about it

Katniss went through her days following a certain routine. The routine gave her a sense of order, the sense of having things under control. She usually got up around six in the morning. She was an early riser that was sure. There were days, when she just couldn't get up from the bed. She would shut the world off. Even Johanna. Cover her head with her pillow and wait till she fell asleep again, not strong enough to face the world. In the beginning, there were quite a lot of those days but they were becoming fewer and longer apart. Without Katniss even realizing it.

Those days when she could get up, she would go on a run in the woods. It was the best therapy for her. She didn't know how long her runs were, she hated running with her phone. She felt freer. She would run till her heart pounded so loudly she couldn't hear anything else. Till he legs hurt so much she couldn't feel the pain inside her heart anymore.

Then shower. Then force some food down her throat. Oh, god she hated that. Everything tasted like ash in her mouth. But she was doing this for Prim. Prim would hate to see her slowly killing herself. She knew that. So, for Prim.

Take a pill. Take a nap. And go to the bar.

She didn't know how it happened, but she ended up sitting next to Peeta. They didn't talk. Ever. But their silence wasn't uncomfortable. They weren't there together, but they also weren't alone. That was all that mattered. Then one of them would stand up to leave. But before that he would nod at the other. The other one would nod in response. And that was it. Nothing more, nothing less.

Of course, Haymitch noticed and would tease the hell out of Katniss if she was at the bar before Peeta.

"Hey gurl, where's your lover boy, huh?" She would just give him the finger and he would laugh.

One day, after maybe a month of silence routine between them, Peeta broke it.

"Katniss, right?" she was so startled, she couldn't form an answer. She just sat there her mouth hanging open.

"What? You thought I couldn't speak? Or is it you, who can't?" He chuckled.

"Ehm, no, I, sorry, yeah Katniss." Was all she managed to say. Oh god. She must have sounded like an idiot. Conversation was never her strong side.

"So why you spend all the time here? What are you trying to forget?" He looked straight into her eyes. His look was so piercing. Chill ran down her spine. She shuddered.

"What's make you think I'm trying to forget something?" She mumbled into her beer.

"Everyone does here." He shrugged.

"What are you trying to forget then?" She didn't even know why she talked him. So, unlike her.

"Are you just trying to be polite or do you really want to know?" She froze. She realized she didn't know the answer.

"I don't know." Words still mumbled by the glass. Refusing to look at him.

"You are a strange girl Katniss." That was all that was said between them that night.

Jo wasn't there when she came home. It didn't happen often, but Katniss was used to it. Jo said that every normal human needed to fuck from time to time. Katniss didn't know who she slept with, Jo would probably tell her if she asked, but she just didn't care. Probably some random guys from the bar. She used to tease Katniss about it. That she was probably gay or asexual always refusing all the hot pieces of asses as she called them. Said she would end up like the old witch from The Simpsons. The one with cats. But not anymore. Not after it happened.

"Hey Kat." She burst through the door. Clearly not only tipsy as she insisted to be.

"Hey Jo, oh god, you smell awful, is that weed? Okay, I'm not asking any more questions I don't want an answer to. I'm gonna sleep. Night."

"No pills tonight?" She asked, the smile and pride audible in her voice.

Katniss closed the door to her room without an answer.

The night was rough. She woke up frequently, but managed to wake Johanna only two times. It was much easier to wake up without the pills. When she got up, she took the orange bottle from the cabinet in their bathroom, took the other two bottles that were in her nightstand and flushed the content down the toilet with a satisfied grin. As she did, she realized it might not have been the best idea. But there was nothing she could do now.

She mindlessly went through her day. Then she found herself at the bar again.

"Heard you and lover boy talked yesterday. Expect to hear you two run away hand in hand soon." She blushed, which only made Haymitch grin grow wider.

"Who would think Delly couldn't keep her fucking mouth shut." She mumbled.

"Whoa there. I thought you didn't speak to me." He sounded really surprised even if he tried not to.

"Obviously, everyone thinks I cannot speak." She said, her voice sarcastic.

"Good girl" He said and left.

Soon Peeta was by her side. "Hey. How are you?" He smiled at her.

"Hey, oh, yeah, fine, I guess." She looked at him closely for the first time. He still looked as beautiful this close as he did when she first saw him. But there was something sincere in his eyes. Something telling her she could trust him. She blushed as she realized she has been staring for too long.

"I guess I should ask back, I've never really been good at small talk." She murmured more to herself that to him. And he knew so he waited patiently. She did the closest thing to smile she could manage. Her face twitching weirdly, not smiling in so long.

"So, uh, how are you?" Her voice sounded so tight.

"Katniss, you don't have to do that. Don't talk to me just to be polite. That's not who you are." Her fake small fell off her face. She looked at him again. He looked weird. Hurt was written all over his face. Strange.

"No really, I mean, um yeah, I really want to know how you are." Both equally surprised by what she said.

" Really?"

"Really." She nodded more confident this time.

"I've been better I guess, but who hasn't." He chuckled slightly. "But you are talking to me claiming to even want to do so, so I guess I'm having a good day." He smiled, little disappointed that she wouldn't look at him. The he spotted the blush creeping up her face. She looked cute.

Katniss didn't know what to say. Was he really flirting with her? Why would he do that? Then she remembered what they were talking about yesterday.

"Why are you here?" She said.

"What?" He looked puzzled.

"You said everyone here had something he wanted to forget here. What do you have?" She surprised herself how sincere she sounded.

"Oh, yeah, the reason." He silenced for a moment.

"It feels a little pathetic, when I think about it. Like a lot of people probably have it way worse. You included." He sounded sad.

"Peeta look at me." He did as she said. Too startled by her words, it was the first time she called him by his name.

"Saying you cannot be sad because someone has it worse is like saying you cannot be happy because someone has it better. Do you hear how stupid that sounds?" It was the longest thing she has said since her speech at her sister's funeral.

They only stared at each other for a while.

"My mother's got Alzheimer; it's been months since the last time she's recognized me." He said his eyes getting glassy. She thought there must have been more to it, but she didn't want to push him.

He blinked several times trying to get rid of the tears he felt in his eyes.

"What about you?" She knew this question would come soon; still she had to will the pictures of Prim out of her mind along with everything else that was threatening to overwhelm her. She massaged her temples. Her head beginning to pound loudly. She had to force herself to breathe. It took her several minutes to compose herself.

"I'm so sorry Katniss." He whispered.

"I didn't mean to make you sad." There was so much hurt in his voice it hurt her, too.

"No, don't apologize, it's fine, just, could we not talk about it right now, please?" Her voice was shaking slightly. But she felt almost proud of herself for doing so well.

He seemed to be weighing carefully what he would say next.

"We could do a rule. Every time someone touches something that the other doesn't want to talk about we would just say no. And the subject is dropped. No questions asked."

"Agreed?" It sounded silly to her, stupid even. But the longer she thought about it the more she liked it.

"Agreed." She said again more confident this time.

The days went by slowly. Soon she realized she found herself looking forward to see Peeta again. It was a weird feeling she didn't quite like.

Obviously, Jo couldn't have missed something like that. Or not tease her about it.

"Heard you were seeing the baker boy." Katniss frowned at her.

"I'm not seeing him. We just both happen to be going to the same bar. That's all." She sounded harsher than she originally intended.

"Whoa, calm down, I didn't know it was that serious with you." She said laughing at Katniss.

Katniss laughed, too, and playfully slapped her on the shoulder. Jo was so happy for her. It was the first Kat's laughter she heard since it happened. Maybe she could get better after all.

"So, tell me about him. I've seen him few times at the bakery. Oh god. You might need to hurry up or I'm gonna steal him from you." She laughed and sent Katniss a dirty look, which only got her another slap across her shoulder.

Katniss thought it felt good to be so easygoing again. They used to make dirty jokes all the time. For the first time, she felt like she wanted to get better for herself, not only for Prim. And that was a big improvement.

"Hey there." Peeta sat down on his usual spot next to her.

"Hey." Her voice sounded worse than she thought it would.

"Kat? Look at me." But she refused to; she didn't want him to see the tiers that were forming in her eyes.

"Kat, please, what's up?" He sounded desperate and hurt like always when she refused to talk to him. It's been two months since their first chat.

Long silence. She knew she would eventually tell him, but she had to calm down first.

"Mom called." Breathe in. Breathe out. Good girl.

Peeta looked at her, curious. She has never spoken about her before. She hasn't really spoken about any member of her family. Peeta would usually do most of the talking, but that was okay. He would talk about the bakery. About the customers. The funny ones, who would make his day. The rude ones, who he would mock and make fun of. The weird ones with even weirder orders. Quite often there were orders of large dick shaped cakes. The first time he told her she spit her beer because she was laughing so hard. Sometimes he would talk about his family, his older brothers and how growing up with them was hell and lot of fun, but mostly hell. And his loving father and even his mother, who was getting worse very fast.

"We don't really talk to each other. She only sands me money every month because of her guilty conscience, but she hasn't call before. Not since…" She stopped herself. Breathe. She wasn't ready for this.

Peeta wanted to calm her. He hated seeing her like that. The hurt written across her face. The pain in her eyes. He wanted to assure her that it would be okay, that she doesn't have to talk about it. He just wanted to take the pain away. He mindlessly touched her hand, wanting to say all of it with that one touch, but she jumped at it. Terror replacing the pain in her eyes.

She jumped up. Scared to death. She couldn't think straight all the memories from the night rushing back to her mind. She wanted to scream. Needed to scream.

"No." She whispered her voice trembling.

"No." She said again louder. The last thing she saw was his eyes. Those big blue eyes. Big. Blue. And sad. So so, sad. Why was he sad?

Then she was out. She didn't realize how fast she was running until she could no longer catch her breath. By the time, she got to the apartment, she was covered in sweat and tears were streaming down her face. Jo eyes widened when she saw her.

"Oh babe. What has he done to you? What happened?" Katniss only shook her head. Jo took her to the bathroom and started to run her a hot bath.

"You okay from here?" Katniss nodded.

Hot water calmed her down. Her incoherent thoughts slowly turning into more coherent ones. He didn't know. It wasn't his fault, she decided in the end.

She slowly got up and wrapped herself in her bathrobe. Unplugged the bath and went to the kitchen. There was a hot black coffee already awaiting her on the kitchen table.

"So, what?" Jo asked. She knew by the look in Katniss' eyes that she would be okay. If it was anything serious there would be this blank stare like she was somewhere far, far away. But not now. So, she knew it was safe to ask and that she, sooner or later, will get an answer.

"I overreacted." She sipped her coffee. Glad her hands weren't shaking.

"Would you care to tell me something I don't already know?" Fake hurt in her voice.

"Sorry Jo, forgot you can read me like an open book." Katniss chuckled. "He only touched my hand and I panicked and ran away." She admitted, ashamed.

"Oh, my fucking god Katniss. If someone like him wanted to touch me I would certainly let him." The dreamy look on her face only got her yet another slap on the shoulder.

"Mind punching my other shoulder for a while. This has been punched enough." She said in her fake voice of a five-year-old who just realized he lost his favorite toy.

Katniss only smirked at her. Getting even more wounded look out of her.

"Okay bitchy face, someone's gotta go to school tomorrow. So, night." She hopped of the counter she was sitting and went to her room managing to stick out her tongue at her before she disappeared out of her vision.

The next day when she went to the bar, she was afraid how Peeta would react or if he would even show up. She wiggled restlessly on her bar stool which unfortunately got Hamitch's attention. He hurried to her.

"Heard ya and lover boy had a pretty bad fight yesterday. Delly said you ran away crying." He dared her to make a scene. She was not doing him such pleasure.

He chuckled and walked away.

Soon enough Peeta walked through the door. He looked at her clearly relieved that she was on her regular spot.

"Thank god Katniss. I thought I might never see you again. I'm so sorry Katniss. I didn't mean..." She stopped him with a wave of her hand.

"Remember our rule. Subject dropped. No questions asked." Several emotions flew across his face before he managed to hide them behind his wide smile, but this time it didn't quite reach his eyes.

Before she knew what she was doing, her hand was on his on the bar. It looked even smaller against his big one. They both stared in awe at it. Neither one of them tried to pull away. Both too shocked to speak.

When Katniss recovered from that first shock she quickly pulled her hand away. Thoughts were shooting daggers in her mind threatening to overwhelm her. What has she done? Why has she done it? Will he take like a permission to touch her? And more importantly did she like it? At the time went their little meetings were becoming more and more loose they both seemed to be enjoying them quite a lot. Where were they heading? Did he think they were becoming something? She thought she set the boundaries and now she was overstepping them, what the fuck was wrong with her?

She remembered the first and thankfully the last time he tried to take them to another level.

 _After their usual small talk in the beginning he talked about his day at the bakery and some old lady that came in and with a straight face like it wasn't anything weird or like she did it every day and said "I'd like to order a penis shaped cake." Peeta said in an old lady silly voice graphically describing that she looked just like a very polite old lady dressed as any normal grandma and Katniss was laughing so hard her stomach was aching._

 _After that he looked more seriously at her. Almost frightened._

" _Kat?" he hummed._

" _Yeah?" Katniss wheezed still clutching her aching stomach and gasping._

" _I was wondering, I just wanted to ask, I…" He stumbled on the words. He couldn't look her in the eyes._

 _Katniss realized what was probably going to happen. He wants to ask me on a date? So, she did what she always did when their conversation got uncomfortable for her. Without another word, she was gone._

She felt confused so she ran away. Again.

The next day she came into the bar. Expecting to see Peeta already on his spot. She was later than usual. She needed to think this through. And she did. She wanted to apologize for always running away. For being so scared. But also, wanted to make thinks clear between them. She wasn't ready for a relationship. She wasn't ready for any touches. If he wanted that he would have to go looking somewhere else.

But he wasn't there. She thought that maybe she finally scared him away. That he realized she wasn't what he wanted.

No. She tried to calm herself. This happens. Sometimes one of them won't show up. Usually Peeta had some serious reason like big order in the bakery. Visit from the brothers. Family diners. Big project for school he needed to complete.

She never had a good reason. It was just the days when she couldn't get up. Not that she would tell him that. So, she just used their rule. She had to mentally thank it now for saving her ass so many times.

So, this was probably good. He will show up tomorrow.

But he didn't. And not even the day after that.

She was starting to be scared. She didn't know why, but the realization that she will probably never see him again and that it was all her fault, hurt way too much.

On the fourth night of not showing up she came home looking like a kicked puppy.

"Oh, girl what have you done? I know that shamed face of yours. The last time you used it was when you broke my favorite mug." She said half-jokingly.

"I pushed him away." She mumbled her cheeks colored red.

"What?" Jo sounded sincere this time.

"I run away every time I feel uncomfortable… remember the time he probably wanted to ask me out? So, I run away quite often and after the last time he didn't show up again." Her voice sounded wounded.

"I don't want to sound like a bitch but that's clearly your fault."

"Do you think I don't know that?" She got up and started to pace the room like always when she was angry.

"I'm just so confused Jo. I don't really know what I want. I thought we were just drinking buddies. I thought I set the boundaries. I thought… I don't even know what I thought. I'm so fucking mad at my stupid confused head, you know."

"I think you should rethink the visit to Dr. Aurelius. You can't have any kind of a normal relationship with man until you have overcome your demons and you have it sorted out in your head." Jo knew this would only make her angry more. She hated those doctors. She so stubbornly refused to go to them it had to be Jo who went to them and begged for the pills so she could at least sleep.

"We talked about that." She tried to sound like to topic was closed.

"But he is a nice decent man Katniss. I believe he won't put you on any pills if you don't want to. I just think you need to talk about it. And I get it why you won't talk to me or anyone else on that matter. But you could at least talk to a doctor." Jo was expecting some angry Katniss reaction like stomping to her room and slamming the door but she hasn't gotten any of it. Katniss only stopped her pacing and furrowed her brows in concentration.

"Okay. I'll think about it." And with that left Jo with her mouth hanging open and went to her room.

 **AN:/ Thank you so much for reading. I hoped you enjoyed it at least half as much as I enjoyed writing it. And please if you have any comments don't forget to leave a review. Of course, favorites and follows are just as much appreciated. I just realized there quit a lot of swear words there, but I promise there are going to be way less, my younger self obviously thought it was "cool" so… Thanks guys!**


	3. Chapter 3 - Wait, she will come around

**AN:/ Thank you so much for all of the responses, it keeps me motivated to write!**

"Welcome, welcome! "What a weird woman, Katniss thought.

"Katniss Everdeen, right?" She had a high-pitched voice that sounded very annoying to Katniss.

"Oh yes" Katniss had a hard time not to burst out laughing. The crazy woman had butterflies in her hair? And was that a wig? Let alone the bright pink dress and unbelievably high heels she was wearing.

"Dear, dear" she said and Katniss knew she knows her history or at least some parts of it, it was the I pity you, but I'm glad that something like that hasn't happened to me.

Katniss gave her the best don't you dare to continue or you will be dead glare.

"Doctor Arnelius will take you in any minute now." She clearly wasn't comfortable talking to Katniss anymore.

The door to doctor's office opened and a kind voice invited her inside.

"I don't really want to be here." Katniss blurted out.

"Ok, thank you for being honest, let's see if we can change that, please come in, sit down and make yourself comfortable."

She did as she was told, she got quit good listening to people's orders thanks to Jo. It even made her feel more comfortable, like she knew what she was doing.

"I assume you are here because of your friend Johanna, that called me and arranged your appointment?"

"She was insistent." Katniss mumbled.

The doctor acted as if he didn't hear her.

"She told me quite a few things happened since the last time I heard from you. But the one thing that didn't change is you not taking the medication I prescribed."

"The pills make me sleepy and sick." Katniss still spoke barely audible, clearly wasn't enjoying the conversation. She felt like a little kid.

At least she's talking, the doctor thought. She seems to be a bit better since I saw her the last time.

"Ok, let's see what we could do about that. We could try a different brand, see how that goes. There are many things I can do for you, but you will have to talk to me." His voice was still gentle, and he wasn't shouting, but there was authority present in his voice.

Katniss winced a little, but otherwise she didn't react. She knew it wasn't a question.

He clapped his hands. "Now that we understand each other, we should get to work." His voice cheery all of sudden. He knew she would cooperate now.

"We will go slowly, I promise, if anything feels to uncomfortable, you tell me." Tears crept into her eyes as she remembered Peeta and the same rule they had.

He looked closely at her. "I see something I said already had some impact on you, so why don't you tell me about that."

Katniss fidgeted a little in her seat and tried to avoid the question by looking around her. She realized she hasn't done it before. The office was nice. There was a big wooden table right under the window. Some flowers were scattered around the room. The carpet on the floor had a weird pattern, she spent a few moments inspecting it.

"Katniss" The doctor said quietly bringing her focus back to him. She very unwillingly did so.

She considered pretending she hasn't heard the question, but decided against it. She didn't know what she expected from this session, but she knew she was fed up with her life as it was now.

"I, I usually go to the bar few blocks away from our apartment every evening. And one evening this boy was there, we would meet there most days and all of sudden we were talking." She took few deep breaths and continued. "We had this rule that anytime either of us was uncomfortable talking about something we would immediately drop it." She felt herself slipping out of focus.

"Yes?" The doctor urged her to continue.

"And, and, I guess I used it too often." Her cheeks got a bit red. "And I ran out without a word when I got too scared." She almost whispered.

"What was it that scared you away?" The doctor asked after looking for the right words for a moment.

"Thinking about my sister a few times, once he tried to ask me out, once he touched my arm." She counted out. Weirdly calm naming out all the things that scared her the most.

"Do you think about her sister often?"

"All the time." She whispered. Closing her eyes. Her thoughts slowly drifting off to the bad place.

"Now, Katniss, focus on my voice and stay with me, tell me one good memory that you have of your sister."

It cost her all her strength to do as she was told. "She was very little, it was before my dad's accident, so she was the happy innocent child that everyone couldn't help but love. It was sunny but not too hot, probably a weekend, because both of my parents were home. We were in the garden, my dad was chasing Prim, he caught her, swung her around high in the air until she was crying from laughter, then he put her down and her head was obviously spinning and we laughed at how drunk she looked as she stumbled to my open arms…" Katniss was smiling and tears were running down her cheeks.

"You have to let yourself remember the good moments you shared with your sister. She doesn't deserve to be forgotten or only mourned. We must remember the good times Katniss. We can't change what happened no matter how badly we want to, but we can honor and cherish the good things that has happened. You owe that to her. She wouldn't have wanted you to stop living because of what happened, if you can't live for yourself yet, you should at least live for her." He said softly but urgently.

And she knows it was all the cliché that he could say, but it calmed her a bit anyway.

It seemed like he was waiting for some reaction, so she nodded her head little too quickly. She was willing the tears, that were making their way down her cheeks, to disappear.

The doctor gave her a moment to compose herself.

"What about school, Katniss? I understand that you are taking a break this year, does that mean you are going to go back for the next one, I think it would be your last, right?"

School wasn't really a topic she would want to talk about, but she figured it was a mostly painless one.

"I don't really know, I haven't thought about it."

"You were majoring in music, right? I think it was singing and piano?" He said as if it wasn't written in her card.

"Yes, I thought I would teach music in elementary, Prim always said I would be good." She remembered singing with her sister for hours. Prim really wasn't a good singer but that never stopped her. When she was little she would insist, Katniss snag her every night to put her to sleep. Tears didn't come this time.

"And what about the boy?" He changed the topic, obviously only bringing the school up, so that Katniss would think about it.

"I don't know I haven't seen him in…" she paused for a minute thinking, "two or three weeks."

"And you convinced you scared him away?

"Yes." She was a little bit confused, she already told that to him, what was he doing?

"Hmm, maybe he will come around and come to the bar again." He had a weird look on his face.

"Maybe." She said even more confused this time.

He looked at his watch and for the first-time Katniss noticed he had a notepad in his lap and was scribbling something inside. Therapists do that, she reminded herself.

"I think that is enough for today, I will see you next week, same time."

Katniss sensed that it wasn't a question so she remained silent.

"You did very well, Katniss. Take care." He opened the door for her.

"Thank you doctor Aurelius." And without another glance she was gone.

"Will I be seeing you again?" The receptionist asked, worry that she might present in her voice Oh, Katniss thought, I forgot about the woman.

"Oh yes, next Tuesday, same time." The unpleasant look on her face weirdly satisfying to Katniss.

"Goodbye misses…" Katniss realized she didn't know her name.

"Miss Trinket." She said stressing the word miss. Katniss smiled.

"Goodbye miss Trinket." And as she was closing the main door behind herself she called out: "And Miss your wig is a bit off." It wasn't but Katniss enjoyed the look of horror and frantic attempt to fix the nonexistent problem in which she moved the wig so that it nearly fell off, and laughed all the way home.

She remembered as she was unlocking the front door that doctor Aurelius didn't give her the prescription for the new meds, she just realized she was willing to try.

When she once again came through the front door Miss Trinket had a look of horror on her face, her wig back in place, and refused to even acknowledge her presence.

She asked doctor for the prescription and quickly went back home.

Katniss opened the door to their apartment and Jo swiftly came to meet her at the door.

"Thank goodness, Katniss. I didn't know how that would go." She sounded really worried but happy and proud at the same time.

"You didn't believe I would actually go there?" Katniss winked at her, but knew too well that it was very likely.

"Don't kid yourself, there were some possibilities. Either you wouldn't even go and hopefully eventually come home. Or you would go and come running back after like two minutes. Then there was the option, you would go and run away or something…" She wanted it to seem like she was joking but her voice gave away how worried she really was.

Katniss hugged Jo tightly and realized that she has never thanked her for everything she has been doing for her. "Thank you, Jo." She knew there was no need to elaborate.

Jo only hugged her even tighter.

After few moments, Jo let go of her. "How did it go?"

"It went okay. Better than I expected." Katniss smiled at Jo.

"Yeah, but you expected being tied up to a chair and electroshocks, so that wasn't hard." Jo smiled back and punched her arm.

"What are you doing?" Katniss mocked being hurt and Johanna only punched her harder.

Then she winked at her. "Someone is here to see you."

Katniss was puzzled, she knew it wasn't Gale, because Jo wouldn't let him cross their threshold after the last time. Who could it be?

Johanna was clearly enjoying her puzzlement and only grabbed her arm and almost dragged her to their kitchen.

Katniss came through the door after Johanna and small like she was she couldn't see the person sitting by the table. Johanna stepped back and allowed her to see for herself.

She couldn't find words. Sitting behind the table, obviously, a bit distressed, were Peeta.

He found words before she did. "Kat." He breathed out.

Johanna chuckled amused by the familiar way he called Katniss. "Don't worry, I'll leave you two lovebirds alone." She laughed and disappeared before could Katniss tell her that no, they obviously weren't. But her body betrayed her and she blushed. She tucked her head to her chest in attempt to hide it.

But Peeta were always better than her at talking so he bubbled about his days at the bakery, he seemed to be saying some funny stories, because he chuckled from time to time, once fully burst out laughing. But Katniss wasn't listening. Why would he come? Why wasn't he angry with her?

She realized, she was still standing in the doorway, with her mouth hanging open. She slowly, maybe to not startle, maybe because she had to persuade her limbs to move, one after the other, pushed the chair from under the table and sat down.

He was still talking, either he didn't care she wasn't listening or he knew she couldn't talk yet.

Their kitchen was small, just like every other room in their apartment, and not very clean, she noticed the big pile of dirty dishes in the sink, but she couldn't care less. Overall their apartment wasn't very clean, she hasn't cleaned anything in a long time and Jo would fuss about having to go to the public washing machine, but that was about all cleaning done in their apartment. Jo must have probably washed the mag Peeta was drinking from when he came. Peeta! She completely forgot about him. She brought her focus back to him. He wasn't talking anymore and he was piercing her with his eyes. Katniss blushed and looked away.

"Should I leave?" God, did that hurt ever leave his voice? Katniss thought.

"I don't know." At least she was honest.

"You know what, maybe I should, when Johanna came to the bakery she said you wanted to see me, but it doesn't seem like it." He finished his drink, whatever it was in few large gulps and got up to leave.

She stood up, didn't really know why and was standing in his way. He was opening his mouth to ask her out of his way when she blurted out: "Don't go."

They both looked equally startled.

"But you have to talk to me Kat or at least listen, I can't go on like this, it's been too long."

The only thing she managed to do was nod. They both sat back down. He didn't start talking this time, obviously waiting for her to start.

I thought I pushed you away. She realized she hasn't said it out loud and tried again. He looked patiently at her.

"I thought I pushed you away." She wasn't looking at him. Something overly interesting was on her t-shirt, she had to examine it.

"Kat look at me." She did as she was told.

"You didn't push me away. My mother got worse, dad was in the hospital a lot, so I couldn't take an evening off to go to the bar. That's all."

Katniss looked at him, she felt somehow lighter now when she knew it wasn't her fault. But she didn't know what to say. She stopped fiddling with her t-shirt and put her hands on the table. Peeta looked at them. He wanted to take them into his, but he remembered how that went the last time. He didn't know what had happened to her that made her react this way. He wanted her to trust him enough to tell him and didn't want to know at the same time.

Katniss looked at him for the first time that evening. He looked somehow thinner than when she saw him the last time. He had dark black circles underneath his eyes. But he looked pleased with himself. Maybe because she said she didn't want him to go? She wondered.

She realized he said something about his mother getting worse and thought she should react to it.

"I'm so sorry about your mother."

"Don't be Katniss, it's I don't know, I thought she would stop being so bloody awful, when she got sick, but she didn't, if that was possible, she became even more horrible. I just, I sometimes think about her being dead and how it would be easier for all of us and then I feel guilty because after all she's my mother." He stopped, he seemed happy for finally telling someone but also worried how Katniss would react.

Katniss thought for a moment.

"You don't have to love or respect anyone just because they are related to you. If they treat you badly you are not obligated to you know anything."

They were both silent for a moment. It was so unlikely for Peeta to not talk. He seemed to be thinking about what she said. He looked so broken. Katniss felt like she should comfort him somehow.

She looked at his hands still folded on the table top and hers only centimeters away from his. Looking carefully at their hands she slowly closed the gap and took his much larger hands in hers.

They both looked at their joined hands in awe. Peeta was afraid to move and he was wondering whether she would run away.

She was wondering the same thing. She realized she was enjoying the touch. Of course, if he didn't try anything else. But he seemed to realize that if he wanted anything to "happen" between them, it would have to be in her pace.

They sat like that for what seemed like a long time, enjoying each other's company.

"You know, my mom wouldn't win the mom of the year contest either." Katniss managed to laugh a little. She grabbed his right hand and started tracing circles in his palm. He shuddered a bit at the sensation, then a smile spread across his face.

"You don't have to talk about her if you don't want to." He murmured and with his free hand started tracing patterns on Katniss's forearm.

"Maybe some other time." His heart skipped a beat, just because she mentioned 'some other time'.

Katniss focused on his hands. They were strong, she saw the muscles move as he slowly traced her hand. His touch was so light and felt so good; not scary at all. Goosebumps formed on her arms. Then it hit her.

"How did you know where I live?" She asked, puzzled.

Peeta blushed. He looked like a boy that has been caught eating sweets in the pantry. He opened his mouth to answer, but Katniss was quicker.

"It was Jo, wasn't it, she asked you to come, right, told you how bad I've been lately," he looked stunned and for once couldn't find any words, Katniss hurriedly got up, nearly felling over, "you are here out of pity, why else would you come to see this," she pointed at herself, "mess of a person, I don't know, why I thought you actually wanted to see me, I, " by this point she was shaking with sobs.

Peeta tried to interrupt her a few times, but she wouldn't let him. When she realized, she was crying she ran off to her room and slammed the door.

Peeta stood in the doorway to the kitchen and had absolutely no idea what he should do. As soon as the door slammed, Johanna were out of her room and on her way to him.

"What happened?" She said, only little accusing.

"She said you set it up and I am doing it out of pity and you heard what followed." He sounded hurt and shocked.

"I have to go look at her." Johanna said walking Peeta to the main door. She looked at him, pity in her eyes.

"I thought she was happy to see me, guess not." He mumbled more to himself than anybody else.

"Give her time, she will come around."

 **AN:/ And again, thank you so much for reading, every response is very appreciated!**


End file.
